mmmmmmm

One liners

2004-11-22T06:31:00.000-08:00

Two fish swim into a concrete wall.
>
> One turns to the other and says "dam"
>
> **********
>
> Two peanuts walk into a bar
>
> One was asalted.
>
> **********
>
> A jump-lead walks into a bar.
>
> The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
>
> **********
>
> A sandwich walks into a bar.
>
> The barman says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."
>
> **********
>
> A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
>
> **********
>
> A man walks into a bar with a slab of tarmac under his arm and says:
>
> "A beer please, and one for the road."
>
> **********
>
> Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get married.
>
> The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was brilliant.
>
> *********
>
> Two cannibals are eating a clown.
>
> One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
>
> **********
>
> "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home'."
>
> "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
>
> "Is it common?"
>
> "It's not unusual."
>
> **********
>
> Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly
>
> "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
>
> "I don't believe you," said Dolly.
>
> "It's true, no bull!"
>
> **********
>
> Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
>
> One says, "I've lost my electron."
>
> "Are you sure?"
>
> The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."
>
> **********
>
>
> A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says,
>
> "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? "
>
> "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"
>
> So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
>
> Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
>
> "What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
>
> "No, because he's really heavy"
>
> **********
>
> I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I
>
> couldn't find any.
>
> **********
>
> I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid
>
> that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.
>
> And he said, 'no, the steaks are too high.'
>
> **********
>
> My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.
>
> He was pulled in by a strong currant.
>
> *********
>
> Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van
>
> covered with nuts & hundreds and thousands.
>
> Police say that he topped himself.
>
> **********
>
> What do you call a fish with no eyes?
>
> A fsh
>
> *********
>
> Two fish are in a tank
>
> One says to the other "I'll man the guns, you drive"

Airlines

2004-11-22T06:30:00.000-08:00

Take a minute to read this. It's hilarious.. At Qantas Airlines, after
every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys
to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight
that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the
problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what
remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before
the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack
a sense of humour. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and
problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by
maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that
has never had an accident:

(P = The problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = The solution and action taken by the mechanics.)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

Bar Joke

2004-11-22T06:28:00.000-08:00

A man, an ostrich & a cat
> >walk into a bar and.....
> >

> >> >> > > >
> >

> >> >> > > > The bartender says, "What would you
> >like Sir?"
> >

> >> >> > > >
> >

> >> >> > > > The man says, "I'll have a pint of
> >beer."
> >

> >> >> > > >
> >

> >> >> > > > He looks at the ostrich and says,
> >"What will you have?"
> >

> >> >> > > >
> >

> >> >> > > > "I'll have a pint of beer" says the
> >ostrich.
> >

> >> >> > > >
> >

> >> >> > > > He looks at the cat, "What will you
> >have?"
> >

> >> >> > > >
> >

> >> >> > > > "Half a pint of beer - but I'm not
> >paying."
> >

> >> >> > > >
> >

> >> >> > > > "That will be £12.65" says the bartender.
> >So the man reaches
> >

> >>into
> >

> >>his
> >

> >> >> > > > pocket and pulls out exactly £12.65.
> >
> >

> >> >> > > >
> >

> >> >> > > > The next day after work the man goes
> >into the same bar.
> >

> >>"What'll it
> >

> >>be
> >

> >> >> > > > today?" says the bartender.
> >

> >> >> > > >
> >

> >> >> > > > "Double whisky on the rocks" says
> >the man.
> >

> >> >> > > >
> >

> >> >> > > > He looks at the ostrich and says,
> >"What will you have?"
> >

> >> >> > > >
> >

> >> >> > > > "I'll join him in a double whisky"
> >says the ostrich.
> >

> >> >> > > >
> >

> >> >> > > > He looks at the cat, "What will you
> >have?"
> >

> >> >> > > >
> >

> >> >> > > > "Half a pint of beer-but I'm not
> >paying" says the cat.
> >

> >> >> > > >
> >

> >> >> > > > "That will be £21.95" says the bartender.
> >So the man reaches
> >

> >>into
> >

> >>his
> >

> >> >> > > > pocket and pulls out exactly £21.95.
> >
> >

> >> >> > > >
> >

> >> >> > > > The next day after work the man goes
> >into the same bar. "Excuse
> >

> >>me"
> >

> >> >>the
> >

> >> >> > > > bartender, says, "I was just wondering
> >why, no matter what the
> >

> >>price,
> >

> >> >> > >you
> >

> >> >> > > > always have the exact change in your
> >pocket?"
> >

> >> >> > > >
> >

> >> >> > > > "Well" says the man, "when my grandmother
> >died she left me
> >

> >>everything
> >

> >> >>in
> >

> >> >> > > > her house and inside there was a
> >lamp. So I rubbed it and out
> >

> >>popped a
> >

> >> >> > > > genie. It granted me three wishes.
> >So I asked that every time I
> >

> >>wanted
> >

> >> >> > >to
> >

> >> >> > > > buy something I would have the exact
> >change in my pocket".
> >

> >> >> > > >
> >

> >> >> > > > "That's brilliant" says the bartender.
> >"You'll never ever run
> >

> >>out
> >

> >>of
> >

> >> >> > >money.
> >

> >> >> > > > What else did you ask for?"
> >

> >> >> > > >
> >

> >> >> > > > The man sighs and says, "A bird with
> >long legs and a tight
> >

> >>pussy!!"

Bored at work?

2004-11-22T06:25:00.000-08:00

THIS IS ONE OF THE STRANGEST THINGS YOU'LL HAVE EVER ENCOUNTERED.

LEFT BRAIN VS. RIGHT BRAIN.

WHILE SITTING AT YOUR DESK, LIFT YOUR RIGHT FOOT OFF THE FLOOR AND MAKE CLOCKWISE CIRCLES

NOW, WHILE DOING THIS, DRAW THE NUMBER "6" IN THE AIR WITH YOUR RIGHT HAND.

YOUR FOOT WILL CHANGE DIRECTIONS AND THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT.

THIS WILL DRIVE YOU CRAZY BUT IT'S PRETTY FUNNY TO WATCH!!

2004-11-17T08:51:00.000-08:00

DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER

DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE

AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:

PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA:
When you rearrange the letters
(With no letters left over and using each letter only once):
TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS

Classy Bird!!!

2004-11-17T08:47:00.000-08:00

A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona and sees that his car's oil-pressure light is on. He gets out looking and sees oil dripping out of the motor.

He drives slowly and carefully to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station. After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town.

He sees an ice cream shop, and being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of vanilla ice cream and sits down to eat.

Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat with his little flippers. After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem.

The mechanic looks up from the engine and says, "It looks like you've blown a seal."

"No, no," the penguin replies, wiping his mouth, "it's just ice cream."

Tús mo shaol Blog

2004-10-13T04:10:00.001-07:00

Piosa beag le haghaidh mo mhuintir -is aisteach an rud é! Seo é mo bhlog nua nach bhfuil sé go hiontach? Agus mé tar éis teacht ar blog Lucy thosaigh mé ag smaoineamh mas ta ceann aici ba choir go mbeadh ceann agam fresin mar thoradh seo é a leanas....

The Start of My Blog Life

2004-10-13T03:50:00.000-07:00

I've got a blog so feck ya Lucy (mind you don't have gmail yet gotta work on that one)